My Fantasy Revisions

  
I’m not being defeatist. Really. But while fantasizing about marrying Julie Andrews the other day, I conceded I may need to update my fantasies. Sure. In this world I know that anything is possible, even if it is unlikely. But being realistic, here is a list of things I may have to give up at 60:

1. Being six feet two and built like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
2. Becoming friends with Vic Morrow from Combat.

3. Appearing on the Ed Sullivan Show.

4. Being Shogun.

5. Being kidnapped by a tribe of over-sexed Amazon women (I was once cruised by a woman with blue hair in the elevator at the Traverse City Resort).

6. Being as handsome, classy and debonair as Omar Shariff.

7. Winning the Clearing House Sweepstakes.

8. Collecting enough S & H green stamps to get that car.

9. Being President.

10. Touring with my rockband.

11. Chucking it all to live in the wilderness like Jeremiah Johnson.

12. Winning an Oscar.

13. That my curly hair would straighten out.

14. Having a full head of hair when I get older.

15. Making that album with Joni Mitchell or James Taylor.

16. Living on my big, huge-ass yacht.

17. Becoming James Bond.

18. Buying an island.

19. Winning a Grammy.

20. Climbing Mt. Everest.

21. Playing for the Tigers.

22. Participating in the Olympics.

23. Being good at math.

24. Becoming a professional golfer.

25. Winning the Lotto and adopting a passel of kids.

26. Meeting Santa Claus (the Easter Bunny creeps me out).

Now that there is a huge gap in my future, the question is, what do I replace these fantasies with?

Biscuits.

Karen an I were on the west side and stopped to pick up a few items at Meijers. The last time I was at the west side Meijers I was walking into the store when this lady walked out in front of me. The entire back of her dress was tucked into the waist of her pantyhose showing the world that everything was present and accounted for. I wasn’t quite sure where to put my eyes. Keeping them closed or looking down were not good options in the parking lot. Neither was walking backwards. So now and again I was faced with watching her biscuits bobble into the store. The wake of people she left behind were giggling or covering their mouths, looking at me like I was her entourage. Friends asked me later if I said anything to her. I would then tell them a Little Billy joke: Little Billy came home with two black eyes. His Mom asked him what happened. “This lady on the bus had her dress stuck in her crack so I pulled it out and she hit me in the eye.” “So what about the other one?” she asked. “I thought she wanted it there so I put it back.” So no, I didn’t say anything. I figured she’d be so embarrassed she’d probably hit me. And then I’d be wearing her embarrassment.

Good morning.

 

imageSeeing the reflection of the early sun on the ocean this morning, I noticed the illuminated path leads directly back to you. As if the universe is saying with a wink and a nod, “This day is for you”.

Cat Crate

The dumbest thing I did on Saturday: I took our two sibling cats to the vet. I wasn’t using my Cat Mind and decided I could put both in the same crate. Nope. The entire trip there was spitting, screaming and fur flying. I stuck my finger in the grate to try and calm one of them down and almost lost a digit. You may be able to fit a Cat In A Hat but never two cats in a crate.

Busking

I was thinking I could earn some retirement money busking. “Busking” is singing and playing your instrument on the sidewalk with your guitar case open hoping for tips. Sone of you call it begging. I would do it differently. I would come up with the most obnoxious and unlikely busking tunes and then follow people until they tipped me to go away. I mean really, how long could you stand it if someone was following you singing….

“……I don’t think that I can take it/Cause it took too long to make it/ and I’ll never have that recipe AGAIN!/OH NOOOO!!!!!”

I’ve already got a good start:

Kumbaya           Axel Rose version
No Milk Today      Herman’s Hermits
Brand New Rollerskate        Melanie
Ringo           Lorne Green
Candy man          Sammy Davis Jr.
Puppy love         Donny Osmand
Muskrat Love         Captain and Tenille
Loving You           Minnie Ripperton
Seasons in the Sun        Terry Somebody
Puppy Love         Donny Osmond
Feelings              Morris Albert
Wonderful Christmas Time              Paul McCartney
100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall                Mormon Tabernacle Choir version (for long chases).

Anybody have more “I’ll-poke-my-eye-out-if-I-hear-that-again” songs?

Freudian Slip B

We were fortunate to find a sitter for Sara just four houses down. Sharon had cute pet names for some of the kids like Meemer, Pooter and Keekee. I thought that was cool. So when Sara was young I started calling her Sweetness or Sweet Pea. Whenever I had the chance I would call her Sweetness or Sweet Pea because it was so cool. One week we were using our back up sitter for Sara. We were going out of town for the weekend so Karen and I both went to pick her up on this Friday night. Once inside it was noisy mayhem with all the parents and kids milling around trying to get ready to leave. I saw Sara across the room and for some completely mindless reason, I chose to combine both of her cool pet names and called out to her “Hey Sweet Pea-ness!!”
It was as though everything was frozen in time. Each parent was staring at me in utter disbelief. I saw Karens face turn so red I thought she would bleed out of every pore. What made it worse was when they saw Sara bound across the room smiling and jump into my arms. Like I call her that all the time. We silently got Sara ready and left in record time. Walking out Karen said “What the hell is the matter with you??” I said “Just keep walking. Don’t look back”.